Assalamualaikum and very good day . Okay, soon I am going to continue my study for third semester. I feel so nervous even thought I suppose to get used to it. To be honest, I am truly, hardly to adapt with new environment and conversation at a new place. I don’t know why. I realize the significant to be an active and optimistic student but I still cannot handle myself for being in the group of conversation. I feel awkward like I don’t even know what to say and how to response. I don’t know how to be myself at the new place.
Seriously, I know these are going to effect my future because of my bad communication skill. The only person who I really not awkward to and be myself every time is my mom. My mom does not care how am I going to behave; to be funny, dummy, foolish, talking, selfie, reading but not cross over the line. But, the thought of negative opinion came wondering my mind whenever I begin to be myself in front of my friend/classmates. I feel awkward or the suitable word to describe is afraid of showing the true color of mine in front of them. I just suddenly became full of courtesy and introvert whenever I get into my friend. I don’t know why suddenly my mode feeling change ~ abruptly 🎭 . Sometimes, I feel most afraid of their critic. For example, to be honest, I am not a clever person and dummy at some time. So, whenever I show my dummy side to them, they just ignore me like – they should at least say something for not letting me being dummy by myself or for not letting me embarrassing myself 🍭🍭🍭 .
Trust me, I am so00o0o0o000oo an INTROVERT person. I like to be alone most of the time. I had ever read a quote saying that we should not let ourselves being drawn liking to be alone because as consequences in the future, we would like to be alone at all the time and loss of communication skills. Now, I am feeling that thing – right now. Even thought there are family gathering in the living room, watching the television altogether, but, me, keep myself alone in the room while scouring the world wide web. Plus, whenever my family conducts a feast, I would rather stay in the room, doing nothing or maybe just sleeping and dreaming about something that won’t happen. The major problem is that, I bring this, myself, to university. You know whats happen? Whenever my friend ask to join them hangout together, I always say no and even give them stupid excuses that I think they would not understand it. Whenever they ask to join some programs held in my university, I always staying in the room surfing the internet. Sometimes, I practice speaking alone, crying or mumbling alone. But, whenever I try to mix with my friend, I don’t have any interest to talk 🙈 🙉 🙊 .
The problem is that, me, myself, cannot trust those fake people. I don’t want to think negative but I am hardly to trust people at the university. The fake that I have been said, means that, they treat us like whenever they want too. They suppose to treat each other without considering about the weakness in each other. For example, I am introvert person, so they should help, talk to me, story to me whatever they want to. As the consequence, I will get to response whatever I think and get to close more with them. I would feel close to someone when they also give response to my thought. Ignoring each other is just making the situation get worst because nobody’s talking. Plus, I am unresponsive at sometime because I feel like they are going to ignore, so, there is no reason for me to start the talk. That is what I have been thinking. But, if I am the only person who is less talking and, at the same time, they also did not talk anything, so, what you expect to happen? The situation then eventually get awkward and like ~ okay, bye. That’s all?!!??
I realize that sometime, the problem is me because, at the moment of talking, I don’t know how to react or to response. But, they should not view as an issue or my weakness.