No, No, Im not UPSET

I took my glasses off and sitting silently while my eyes starring down the pale wall blankly. It was feeling as if I was hypnotized by the gaze swirling around the retina. The silent fulfill the space in the room and there just the sound of television in the living room. I am thinking about the future in front of my eyes that kept swirling. I closed my eyes tightly to forget about the future and the mistakes in the past that I have done.

Mistakes in the past should not be repeated in the present to get a bright future. But, it was as if I can predict the future by telling the way I act in present. The indecision, anxiety, nervous and madness are making me more upset. It is not too late to change myself but the fear of failure and fear of confronting the implication making me more upset.

Trusting too much, so naive, confusion and being introvert is not the best thing happens to my personal life. I have got to hold a lot of burden by caring the each others’ heart. It is so painstakingly when there is nobody care and even give some supports. Nobody is knowing about my effort except Him. I don’t even know who I am today? Every part of me is tearing apart and some of the pieces have lost in the air. Am I the same person at the back in time? Then, why things keep changing? I am grown up but.. as Greg Heffley has ever said in his movie “Diary of Wimpy Kid” about his friend, Rowley Jefferson, “He doesn’t even know about the concept of being grown up.” Even though they were in high school, Rowley still cannot pickup the concept of being mature because he was saying “play” instead of “hangout” .

Sometimes, I was so mixed up. Everything that I have decided did not fall into its place. Everything I do~ just making me more confused. Because the way decision was made is based on more to care about another person or, even more confuse, the decision was happening just because I don’t want to face the reality.

Then, I wonder, my childhood memories are mostly full of happiness and positive vibes. I was being myself at all and I did not even care how much devil’s talking in my mind, trying to spread the infection. I was just thinking about play and fun! But, the time passes so fast, that I didn’t even catch up to be a grown person. I have been a person who doesn’t want to accept the fact that I have grown up and more responsibility must be taking care of. No more play, no more childish, no more sulking like a little girl and the only thing left for me to survive this life full of fake people is focusing on the goal that I’ve been imagining in my mind.

Imagining and dreaming are just the best words to describe my life. No effort to make it become true. So, I sit down, breathe in and out smoothly, wondering, until when I am going to stay like this??!!! I cannot expect people to help me, accompany me to reach the success road. They have their own road, so they would not go in my way because it is impossible to get in others people’s shoes. Nobody wants it, though. Others people’s shoes may hold the large trouble, so they don’t want to risk it. So, as conclusion, I’ve got to find my own way, with His will, I will get on the peak of mountain of success. In Syaa Allah.


A little luck can go a long way
So don’t you worry about what people say
Who knows when the wind may blow
For an ordinary girl….
I’m just an ordinary girl



Apa nak Jadi

Assalamualaikum dan selamat petang.

Aku rasa semakin kurang keyakinan diri dan sentiasa mengharapkan orang lain untuk buat keputusan untuk aku. AKu rasa macam budak budak lagi perangai aku. Aku langsung tak matang, manja pulak tu. Aku selalu berubah-ubah sikap aku dan selalu underestimate orang. Nauzubillah minzalik. Kenapalah aku cam ni? Aku dah nak masuk 20 tahun tapi perangai aku still macam budak-budak. Malas nak fikir, malas nak selesaikan sesuatu masalah tu, mudah tersinggung bila orang berkata padahal ia sesuatu yang amat kecil, mudah mengharapkan pertolongan orang lain dalam menyelesaikan masalah aku yang tak seberapa.

Aku pun tak ramai kawan yang rapat. Sekadar kawan biasa dan aku takut nak hidup keseorangan. Macam, kalau nak pergi library aku tak nak sorang-sorang. Aku tak nak orang fikir aku ni loner. Aku sentiasa menjaga hati orang sampai sanggup menipu, tapi bila fikirkan balik, perhatikan balik, ada orang tu jaga hati kita? Tak ada. Mereka jujur menyuarakan apa yang tersembunyi di dalam hati. Aku pulak, sempat fikir, patutkah?, baikkah?. Sampaikan orang dalam kesusahan, aku sempat fikir, patut ke aku tolong? Kalau orang cakap aku baik macam mana? Sudahnya, aku tak tolong sebab lambat sangat decide. Padahal, kalau dah benda baik, mestilah tak yah fikir panjang. Aku terlalu memikirkan kata orang. Yang positif pun ada, yang negatif pun ada.

Aku jeles bila tengok kawan rapat aku ada ramai kenalan, mana dia pergi semua orang tegur atau dia tegur dulu. Haiiii~~~~~ Aku cemburu sebab aku tak ada kebolehan dalam berkomunikasi dengan orang. Tapi, bila aku seorang diri, aku berani pula cakap dan itulah diri aku yang sebenar. Aku rasa malu sangat dengan diri ni. Dahlah markah statistik constant je 4/10. Dua kali dah. Aku rasa ni memang kifarah untuk aku yang telah menzalimi diri sendiri. Aku rasa malu sangat. Bilalah aku boleh dapatkan kekuatan untuk menjadi diri sendiri tanpa memperbodohkan diri aku dengan menjadi orang lain bila aku berhadapan dengan orang.?? ? T_T