I wanted to forgive myself badly for having bad behavior by not study unit operation. This evening I will have a quiz regarding mass balance and yesterday, all I did was just laying on the bed having clueless mind, no mood at all, feel stressed out with the burden that turns out to be so heavy,.. i just want to say sorry to myself for not taking my study seriously. Yesterday I was just having mentally breakdown. I felt like I’ve lose something important in my life. My eyes are swollen. Today, I’ve got to think a lot of things.
Today is just a another day for me to feel the normal feelings that I used to, being grumpy as always as much as I do. I love for not being with anyone because it makes me feel calm and peaceful for not to let myself feel burdened and guilthy about others people who comes accross my life. They laughing while I am being emotional with myself, thinking about the damages I have done earliear, giving a heavy thought about the decision that I have made before. Come to think of it, I always feel like I don’t have to be belonged here or there. I just need to stay where I have stood earlier. Come to think of it, the feelings become mixed up and confusing myself which one is the perfect for me.
Nobody cannot understand myself. I will become too panic easily when it comes to deal with people or maybe emotionally. But I tend to choose panic instead of being emotionally. Panic creeps me out as if I started to scream silently because people still watching me. I am sorry to my other half of me for hurting myself. I let myself drowning into madness and angry moment. When I become so angry, I start to feel like I am no one else, I have no friend and I hate people for no solid reason. I will start make a move by erasing them one by one, start with left the group made by them, deleting my social media that later I will end up regret for erasing the old pictures of ours just because I feel so mad at myself. I thought the feeling would be immortal but then I realize that anger will never take over my body for the whole time when I start to know how to control it. The peaceful mind will lead me to an easy solution but I am to scare to think about it as if it would lead to something that I don’t want to happen . I just hope that I able to stay in positivity . I just hope that I can erase bad memories so that i will forget how much hated I am to people and how much people have taken me for granted.
Kingdom of Serenity 